Hope

I was sitting in a dark room, on a wooden bed that usually feel so comfortable for an afternoon nap, coupled with the cool breeze of the air-cond, a luxury that eluded me in my life back in KL. However this was a different day, sitting down for even a minute proved to be difficult, not to mention actually taking a nap itself. The cold breeze sends shiver down my spine, even with the sun blazing hot outside. Ah... I did let the nervousness creep into my mind, or rather the fear itself. Its 4.15 p.m. , the result should be here by this time. And suddenly the phone rang, fearing for the worst, I take a quick peek at it, hmm... no, its not the dreaded call I expected, the voice at the other end is a familiar one, saying "hey the result out d oo, how did u do?" The truth is I can wait to check, but reality is playing a twisted joke on me, the line has been exceptional throughout the day, all the way till 4 p.m. when it decide that its time to throw a tantrum and play a prank on me... So yes, I am in a desperate situation where I wasn't able to do anything except to crumble to my nerves, did I deserve such treatment? hmm...probably yes?


So with the line probably not gonna come back soon, I let my mind wonder into a region I never thought myself would be in, a region filled with "what if" question..


" what if what awaiting me is a bad news"


" what if my greatest fear come true?"


" what if I need to return to KL earlier then expected?"


" what if, I actually need to study everything I did again?"


" what if I let my parents down?"


"what if..."

I got so deeply engrossed in my thoughts that I didn't realize what happen around me. I am sure its not something that developed in a day, its something that hide deeply in our subconscious mind for quite some time( not just mine, but some others as well ), something like a crouching tiger waiting to purge at the right moment, when someone is helpless and vulnerable, its not just about me, its never about me, I realize right after I got the result ( I will explain it later ). I did feel like jumping up and down, banging my head on the wall, pulling my hair off, or just buy a ticket back to KL to get it immediately, the fact that I am sweating in a air-cond room said everything.


That's the moment I decided I had enough, enough is enough, there is no way I am going to let something I cannot change manipulate my mind this way, no, no way, I am going to do something. I phoned someone, asking them to check for me...No... this is not the time to talk about pride, its time a time to limit the misery, a time to come out of the shell and face the harsh reality. While waiting for the answer, despite betting against it, I secretly harbour hope that I will survive, saying a little prayer despite knowing that this is against the real meaning of praying. And the message came, only one word caught my eye, "PASSED". It suddenly felt like anything else doesn't matter, I just felt like screaming in joy, but in a split second, something stopped me from doing that...


Like I say earlier, its not about me, suddenly the images of our preparation for exam came flying back into my mind. I can see every single one of us working hard, the determination in everyone's eyes, with only one goal in them. Yes, passing might not be everyone's aim, some might have wanted more, some might have more believe due to their more superior knowledge, but one thing I can be sure, the effort everyone put in is beyond doubt. No one can say we did not put in effort, the black eyes, constant crowding of library proves everything. So if the exam is based on effort, no one deserve to fail. Even if its based on knowledge, I do not feel it really reflect one's knowledge, one might studied everything but still didn't make it, just as some might be lacking in knowledge but possess enough quality to pass. Of course this might not apply to those who passed in flying colours, but just look at the effort everyone put in, everyone deserve a credit for all the work they put in, all the sleepless night. Not everyone can do this, not everyone can endure the moment when you feel physically and mentally exhausted but you mind do not allow you to sleep, not everyone can endure to huge pressure on their shoulder and still fight on. Just based on that, if I were a patient, I would not hesitate to put my life in their hands. It shows nothing come easy, make us can't help but look at all the pharmacists and doctors out there wondering, " wow, they must have gone through hell to come to this position today".

Despite us celebrating our passing achievement( to be honest I don't really care bout my marks, or wanting to see them ), like I say its not just about us, everyone put in great effort and if they fail, definitely is not due to lack of effort or even knowledge, I definitely feel lucky to get through and praying for those having retake to get through is definitely something on my mind. I took some time imagining myself in their shoes, it was torrid and scary, they have done nothing to deserve this and I hope their inner strength will get them through this challenge. P1/07 started with bout 117 students, who came with a dream to serve, and I hope we will end up at 117 as well, well equipped both in terms of knowledge and mentality to serve. Lets give them the encouragement to get through as some of us ( definitely including me ) would have easily gone into their situation if not due to some luck and would need the same support they needed.